As of today, all luxury, fabric-based items used for warmth or comfort will be banned under new, overarching government legislation.

The bizarre new statutory bill, effective from 00.00 AM GMT last night, is already being described by legal analysts as ‘crazy’. While many were anticipating an embargo on all new and untested chemical substances to come into force, it appears officials at number 10 have made a last minute U-turn, leaving all blanket users out in the cold.

The bold government move has come as a shock to both fabric retailers and bed users alike, with many feeling that they have been fleeced by the government. John Browett, CEO for cloth-merchants Dunelm, described the new legislation as ‘cold, abrasive and wrapped up in insufficiencies’ while also adding that he feels the government have ‘pulled the wool over the eyes retailers’.

The full implications of this measure have yet to be fully ascertained, although it is expected that the bill will affect the young and elderly the most. Furthermore, the future of Christmas time favourite, Pigs in Blankets, could be in serious jeopardy if the measure is enforced properly.