16 year old, spotty-faced intern Edward Plunkett is in hot water after being accused of making tea that is “too white” for his colleagues.
The teenager commenced his employment with The Guardian just two weeks ago, and was shocked to discover the workers of a self-professed liberal and socially progressive newspaper, weren’t so liberal or progressive in the appearance of their morning brews.
“When I saw him putting the milk in first that was the first warning sign”, said one anonymous whiner. “Then the teabag looked as though he had been caught in bed with someone else’s wife cos he was barely in the cup for 3 seconds before being tossed out”.
News quickly spread around the office telling people to avoid accepting “Plunkett Tea” at all costs – unless the throes of frontline journalism left them absolutely gasping. Soon, the bemused adolescent was met with a repetition of polite “No”s when he would offer to do the honours.
But what is even more shocking, is that Edward has been reported on more than one occasion for refusing to brew tea any other shade that pale white, creating suspicions of him being a closeted bigot.
“Tea actually comes from India”, stated one idiot conveniently ignoring the “Yorkshire” in stark bold on the front of the box. “It should be dark, so it’s true to its heritage. The darker the tea the better. Make it pale and milky and you’ve just got a massive cup of wank. Then you look like the mug”.
Plunkett has vehemently denied being bigoted or association with any far right, tea-making organisations, including PG UKIPS or Tetley First.