Unless my ding-a-ling is in their face, it shouldn’t matter to anybody else what I do with it.”

Those were the words of 86 year painter, musician and convicted nonce, Rolf Harris, whose biggest crime, until a few years ago, was Jake the Peg.

However, in 2014, Harris was found to enjoy the company of a great deal more than two little boys and their toys, and was imprisoned for a number of indecent assaults, some on minors, and sentenced to 5 years in prison in HMP Stafford. As such, his reputation now resembles a dog’s shit on his 2005 portrait of The Queen.

But despite his incarceration, the Aussie insists his sex life should remain a private affair and refuses to discuss it with media journalists.

I’ve had my good name dragged through the mud for reasons that are completely personal. For 80 odd years I was able to do with my didge pretty much what I wanted but suddenly everybody wants to know where it’s going. It’s a disgra-heh-heh-heh-” – The rest of Rolf’s comment trailed off as he struck up an impromptu wobble board performance.

Harris’ insistence of sexual anonymity comes after an undisclosed tip-off about the octogenarians sexual perversions down the years.  The man, mid-40s, used to work on the production of Animal Hospital of which Harris was host, and claims to have witnessed mass orgies on set more than once

I remember walking into work one day and a horrific scene hit my eyes. They were everywhere: man, woman, beast, snake – all having sex! I mean sometimes it could get boring when you sat around anesthetising dogs all day but I never once tried to fuck one! Rolf was standing in the background in just his boxers and socks painting the whole thing. Never seen anything like it.

Popular melted waxwork, Bruce Forsyth, initially came out in support of Harris but has been unavailable for comment on account of spending the last 20 years trying to evade the Grim Reaper.