“We’re all going on a Summer Holiday”… to HMP Stafford it seems.

Yes, this is the news that your mum’s favourite pickled pop star, Cliff Richard (Earth age 75) has been caught red-handed after being suspected of being in possession of underage pornography.

When the police raided his home, the same police that finally stopped Rolf Harris from playing his didge, they discovered a VHS case depicting the salacious sounding “The Young Ones” – thought to be a brand of hardcore European smut from the 1980s.

The front cover of the tape depicted 4 youthful boys sharing the same dilapidated house, appearing to engage in a variety of BDSM related activities, including cricket bats and pyromania. That such extreme scenes were found in possession of a man whose public persona depends on being seen as a prim and proper Christian do-gooder is thought to be incredibly shocking to his remaining 40 fans.

A similar search was conducted on Richard’s residence a few years ago but no such material was surfaced. A tip told the investigating officers to search “The Shadows” but this led only┬áto a more thorough house search and not to former band mate Hank Marvin who was believed to hold Cliff’s stash.

Richard has been unable to comment on this startling news, which has been almost as badly received as his latest Greatest Hits album.