A boa constrictor has today spoken out about his horrifying two-hour ordeal after taking a wrong turn into Katie Hopkins toilet bowl and getting mauled by her vagina.

“I was minding my own business, swimming around some London sewage pipes when I saw daylight and decided to take a closer look. I had barely stuck my head above the water when something got a hold of me.

I was terrified; I thought I was being attacked by a mongoose or a badger or something, it had a huge mouth and razor sharp teeth, and it just grabbed me by the back of the neck and started shaking me like a terrier.

I thought I was a goner, but just as everything started to turn black I heard what sounded like a news broadcast about some child refugees drowning and suddenly I was released. As I floated back under the water I heard the sound of ungodly screeching and the tapping of computer keys. The dirty bint didn’t even wash her hands.

My friends found me a few hours later and slowly nursed me back to health, but it was touch and go for a while. I think the bite must have been toxic, like that of a Komodo Dragon.

I still have nightmares that it’s coming for me, I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling afraid.