Names of British storms are ‘too white to be representative’, according to the UN Special Rapporteur for Weather Systems, who said it was evidence of ‘systemic racism’ in Britain.

“Look at the names,” she said. “Wendy, Nigel, Frank, Katie… They’re not exactly multicultural, are they? Children of all genders and ethnic groups need positive role models, and the children are our future. They don’t find them in their Star Wars toys, and they don’t find them in the names of their storms either.”

The Met Office said that they had already considered multiculturalism, and had made sure that storms were named sensitively. “We’ve got Abigail, which is a Jewish name, and Desmond, which is actually named after Desmond Tutu, who we’re not sure if you knew, is black. And we put in a Mary as well, for the Catholics, and a Clodagh to cover our bases with the rest of Ireland. And an Orla, come to that. We even put in a Lawrence, named after Lawrence of Arabia, for the Muslims.

Critics on social media have pointed out that the designated ‘black’ name of Desmond is not particularly black, and that having only one black storm was ‘deliberately offensive’ given that storm clouds are not white. An online petition quickly amassed the 100,000 signatures it needed to be debated in parliament, despite the protests of Grant Schapps, who referred to the UN official as ‘a Marxist hag-witch who does kinky sex magic, just like the last one’.

MPs will vote later today on whether ‘Storm Jake’ should be renamed ‘Storm Jamal’, with ‘Steve’ becoming ‘Shazia’.