A student at Sunderland University has been seen nonchalantly sporting a Fidel Castro T-shirt to an early brunch at his local Wetherspoons.
Jared Jake-Hurley read about the death of the important old Cuban bloke this morning at approximately 9.07am, as he had a quick look on Facebook after throwing up 13 Jagerbombs, 4 Jammy Dodger cocktails and a mushroom and pineapple pizza.
“I was devastated.” He told our reporter. “I suddenly woke up with a massive sense of panic, shame, nausea and self-loathing, and ran to the bathroom where I was violently sick; then I had a quick glance at Facebook and saw the horrific news. Castro is dead. I had a quick shuftie on Google to refresh my memory and what I have always almost known about him was true. He was a great leader to his people and a proper legend, I shit you not. Then it dawned on me why I had been sick. I think that on a deep level my body already knew, and was grieving in the only way it knew how.
I left the house to gather my thoughts, but didn’t go to a shop or printers or anything. Then I went home and put on my favourite Castro T-shirt which I’ve had since I was three years old. It read simply, “Fidel Castro 1926-2016.”
I woke my friends up, told them the terrible news and invited them to join me in a grief breakfast at Wetherspoons. When we got there pub I was sickened that not one of the sheeple there even commented on my T-shirt, the smug, ignorant, privileged bastards.”
John Burkett, assistant manager of Sunderland Wetherspoons told our reporter: “Yeah, I remember that bunch, they came in this morning for breakfast. Their crying and eye rolling was getting right on everyone’s tits, and then one of them vomited on old Harry over there and I told them to leave. That kid who threw up ruined the chair he was sitting on as well, when I cleared the table I saw that it was smeared in wet ink. Pretentious little turd.”