Britain’s horde of super-overweight cake munchers will be euthanised by NHS docs if they claim they’ve “tried everything” to shed their excess flab.
With the stroke of a syringe, the new government initiative hopes to solve the growing obesity problem which they say is not only a strain on resources but also on park benches and public transport suspension systems.
Health Secretary and junior doctor dartboard pinup Jeremy Hunt outlined his plans in a speech behind some bulletproof glass in the James Corden Memorial Hospital in Stoke. He said: “For too long this nation has suffered the sweaty burden of these hard-to-shift members of society.
“If they say that they’ve ‘tried everything’ they should put the money they haven’t spent in Greggs where their greasy mouth is and just waddle along to their nearest GP for a one-shot ticket to fatties’ paradise.”
Spokesbelly for the Large And Rotundily Disfigured Association (LARDASS) Hattie Brand said: “This is a genocide against people who literally cannot lose weight by any means known to medical science. I’ve been trying for years: everything from eating only three airport Toblerones per day to occasionally taking the escalators instead of lifts to my office.
“If we could just walk more than ten metres without getting a rasping sweat on, we’d march on Downing Street tomorrow. Or maybe next month.”
Additionally Mr Hunt plans to use the newly culled obese as a bank of organ donors for Eric Pickles, and those of a particularly impressive girth will be scooped out and used as a roomy alternative to hospital beds.