Yesterday the world watched in fascinated horror as North and South Korea escalated their feud up to a new and even more terrifying level.
The two countries have had a history of dick behavior towards each other since the early 20th century, when their mates Japan and Russia fell out with each other and dragged them into it. America and China then stuck their oars in and in 1950 the conflict turned into what the United Nations officially declared to be a Proper Three Ring Shit Circus.
Since the feud began North Korea has pulled some classic stunts such as buying the same TV as South Korea and changing channels with their remote during Corrie, planting a row of giant conifers along the border of the two countries, and grassing them up to Child Protective Services for letting their kids watch Geordie Shore.
South Korea has been less proactive, mainly contenting itself with telling anyone who’ll listen that North Korea’s beloved Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un smells like cress and has kitten-paws for testicles. They also repeatedly play the theme to Mad Men through massive speakers angled towards North Korea’s radish farms, causing widespread wilting and mild bewilderment.
Unfortunately the conflict now appears to have entered uncharted new territory after South Korea accidentally kicked their ball over North Korea’s conifers and destroyed their novelty garden wishing well, crushing a begonia and terrifying a robin that visits every December. The South has issued a formal apology and a request for the ball to be returned but has received only an unprecedented silence in response, leaving world leaders to assume that this time the shit has really hit the fan.
If Korea Specialists are correct in their speculation the ball has been deliberately popped, in which case South Korea’s response will be a new slew of name calling, inevitably followed by North Korea launching nuclear missiles on everybody. In preparation for this new drama the UN has now issued a warning to the rest of the world to stock up on lucozade and Pot Noodles and to hide under a table until further notice.
More news to follow as it comes in.