Theresa May has today shocked the UK by refusing to move into number 10 and has instead set up residence in the Head’s quarters of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
This afternoon her coach swept past Number 10, slowing only long enough for a pink clad arm to snatch up Larry, the resident Downing Street cat, before hurtling on towards Hogwarts.
The following press release was issued a couple of hours later:
“Mrs May has decided that she would be far better suited to rule the UK from Hogwarts School, where she can nurture young talent whilst discouraging any unhealthy thinking. She has given her quarters a feminine edge with some pink doilies and cat memorabilia, and as we speak she is getting down to work selecting her cabinet of Death Eaters.
Boy-journalist Owen Jones has recently attracted ridicule by frantically warning that May might actually be taking her instructions from Lord Robert Maxwell, but contrary to every single fucking fact pointing to that indeed being the case, nobody believes it.
Rumour also has it that she has deployed her joy-sucking, dementors to Scotland where many of her adversities reside, although none of the locals are yet to notice any difference.