After laying vital groundwork by pissing and moaning about any politician who isn’t him, ex-PM Tony Blair has graciously decided that he is going to return to politics. His press office released the following statement yesterday evening:

“Tony has had enough, he turns his back for ten minutes and the loony left votes to be led by a vegetarian. If that old fraggle can’t even kill an animal how is he going to cope with compassionately implementing the deaths of thousands of men, women and children before they have a chance to slaughter us in our beds?

As for Theresa May, Blair reckons she’s a little bitch. Definitely not in a misogynistic way, of course he thinks women are delightful creatures, more like in an American prison way. She doesn’t take care of business like Tony does and her kill score is pathetic, a few deaths here and there from sanctions, suicides, homelessness and hate crimes. It’s a steady trickle but at that rate she’s never beat Tony’s “high score.”

An important person compared Tony’s return to politics to the “Superman” movie, “When he stops being Superman for a bit and then comes back as Superman again and saves everyone. Tony definitely didn’t make the comparison with Superman though, it was someone else. He’d be really embarrassed if he knew we’d said that. Superman.”

Tony Blair’s close friend Donald Trump has also spoken in support of Blair’s decision: “Tony told me that there’s a massive hole in politics and he intends to fill it, whether the UK consents to it or not. He’s my kind of guy.”