Donald Trump has today made assurances to the UK that he has no intention on going anywhere near Theresa May’s no-no square, instead concentrating solely on defiling the UK’s struggling economy.

He announced to reporters, “I have the greatest respect for Great Britain, it’s a great, great continent, the best. I love the diverse culture, where whites of all colours can get along together. Irish, Beige-Blacks, blue Whales, Scottish, and Scousers; they are all awesome. We’re going to have an awesome time together, a special relationship. I’m going to be like the UK’s best friend, a favourite uncle. The one you’d trust with your kids. That’s how I’ll look after you. But if you tell your parents I’ll come into your house and cut their throats. Really. I mean that. I don’t mean that.

The UK has shown great strength and bravery in voting to leave the EU, even though the only thing you’ll have left to trade is Vimto and sarcasm. I can tell you, the United States of America is going to save you. Forget Freddos, we’re going to give you real chocolate made of whipped sheep, human rights, and corn syrup. We don’t want anything in return, nothing. It’s on me, because we’re special friends. Nothing. OK, Scotland, you can give me Scotland. They don’t appreciate you anyway.”

When asked if he is concerned with how many UK women are unhappy about his attitude towards women’s rights he replied:“Not at all, not at all, women love me. Did you see how many congregated all over the world to celebrate my inauguration? Literally billions.”

Donald Trump and his busy little hands are expected to be flying into May early in London.