The University of Life has seen record admissions after thousands of A Level students across the country received piss-poor results yesterday morning.
A report released by UCAS shows that this year record numbers of 18 year olds will be preparing to study at the University of Life.
“I was buzzing my tits off to start a course in International Hair and Beauty Management Studies at the University of Lincoln” said Hannah Williams, Sixth Form student from Bury. “But after receiving DUD in my A Levels, I only have enough UCAS points to take up a place at the University of Life”.
Simon Jones, Headteacher of Hannah’s Sixth Form College added “A place at the University of Life will stand Hannah in good stead as she takes her first steps into adult life.”
He continued, “What with the coming of this Northern Powerhouse that we’ve been hearing so much about, I imagine that having attended a chronically underfunded, ‘Satisfactory’ OFSTED rated Sixth Form College shouldn’t make too much of a difference to her life chances.”
Hannah is currently preparing for her Bachelor’s degree in mind-numbing, spirit-sapping shelf-stacking at her local tax-dodging supermarket.
– Jake Mason