Boris Johnson has promised to claw back retrospective fees of £9,000 per year from all UK citizens who studied at the University Of Life should he become Prime Minister.
Following on from the “leave” camp backtracking on their “£350 million promised to the NHS,” campaign, Boris joyfully announced today, “Shhhh, it doesn’t matter about all that, I’ve got a better idea! Loads of people studied at the University Of Life and they haven’t forked out a penny. That’s hardly fair on the rest of us whose parents paid over £400,000 for our education. I intend to put that right.”
Economic tory whizzkid George Osbourne has thrown his full support behind the idea, telling colleagues, “We’ve provided some fantastic opportunities to learn at life, here in the UK. Those salt of the earth types down the pub have pretty much the same level of knowledge as me and Boris, and that shouldn’t come free”.
Fortunately it’s not all bad news for Life Graduates. They can continue to impart their knowledge and opinions on anybody within a ten foot radius, but will legally be allowed to extricate a lecturers fee from their students using reasonable force. George Osbourne is confident that these fees will immediately be circulated back into the economy via Booze Busters and William Hill outlets and will bring the country out of the recession in an estimated three to eighteen years.