Yoga studios, juice bars and branches of Wholefoods joined forces today against the new £5 note, their beef rests with the ‘unethical’ methods used to make the new money. The new fiver features a picture of Winston Churchill kicking a cow in the face and is made out of paper, ink and the tears of cute baby lambs.

“We don’t want to touch anything that might compromise our smugness” said Guru Gary, chief spine-bender at YogaWorks.

“Also, our yoga sessions start at £90 an hour so we consider lowly £5 notes an insult to our professional integrity. There’s so much more than just sitting on the floor and concentrating on our breathing, sometimes we have to make kale smoothies and the heating bills are very high for our Bikram cupboard.”

The Onanism Café in Cambridge leads the campaign to have the new five pound notes manufactured using a different method – hemp, flax and ‘imaginary’ are all suggested alternatives.

Theresa May offered to make the new notes out of “immigrants’ bones” but some of the skinnier refugees have clogged up the mechanism in her people grinder.

-Samuel Thurston