Widely recognised as the greatest Call of Duty player of his generation, Tom Barron has sensationally revealed that he has finally lost his virginity – at the tender age of 33.
During his teens, the Londoner eschewed the ways of women in favour of dual-shock controllers and Metal Gear Solid.
And when the Call of Duty franchise was launched in 2003, Tom became an instant hit with the game, crushing leader boards and tumbling kill-to-death ratios.
As Tom explained in his own words “Call of Duty gave me the nimble finger work that I never got to amaze a woman with. The only place I shot my M16 was into a sock”
Tom’s estrangement from women continued into his 20s, as he found himself more and more engrossed in the Call of Duty world. With the advent of online interactivity, the most ultimate nerds could boast of their superior FPS skills via headsets to “n00bs” they had “pwnd”.
“I would be all over the mic telling people I was gonna fuck their mums and, in reality, I had as much chance of fucking their mums as I did Queen Victoria. Or anyone for that matter,” said a forlorn Tom.
But good news for the supremely-skilled virgin is that he has managed to unload his barrel into an actual, physical and (hopefully) alive woman. Despite still competing in tournaments all over the world, Tom was able to source enough time out of his busy schedule to find a woman every bit as anxious and self-hating as he.
It’s unsure if the touch of a woman will “cut Samson’s hair” so to speak, and whether or not Tom’s skills will still remain. We tried to catch up with Mr Barron’s conquest to see if his abilities were replicated in the bedroom but she was unavailable for comment. We suspect a puncture is involved.